Surviving Narcness

Tag: Narcissism

  • The Trauma Revelation

    “You’re a victim of trauma.”

    When my therapist said those words to me, it felt like I experienced an epiphany, an awakening in my soul. I felt a sense of validation, as somebody got me, somebody was listening and taking me seriously. Yes, I was a victim of trauma, I am a victim of trauma.

    The question becomes what do I do with this revelation?

    I have spent over a year learning about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I am still trying to process my trauma, with the help of a therapist and very soon, meetings with a trauma specialist. This year long plus journey has lead me to reassess and reframe my entire life.

    My dad is a tyrant, a malignant narcissist who borders on the sociopathic. My mom is a covert narcissist, as is my sister. However, no official medical diagnosis will ever be made because they’re all too proud to go to therapy. I am the one in therapy because I’ve had a lifetime of dealing with the steaming piles of crap they refuse to clean up.

    As far back as I can remember, I was the emotional punching bag of the family. I was the unpaid couples therapist, having to settle the constant arguments of two adults. I was the unpaid childcare worker, the unpaid laborer, and the object of public scorn and ridicule when I made a mistake. I didn’t have a childhood, let alone a happy childhood.

    I don’t speak of this from bitterness, I am just trying to make sense of what happened. I was the target of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse simply because I was there. I was put down so two emotionally immature people could transfer their shame unto me and in some twisted way feel better about themselves. I didn’t have parents, I lived with monsters. Sure, my parents will speak of the food, clothes, the roof over my head, and sending me to school. They did the legal bare minimum and they think they should be worshipped as gods. They did enough to stay out of jail and keep me out of the foster care system. I guess congratulations are in order!

    I am optimistic that the days will get better from here. I already lived through hell. All is not hopeless in my life. I have come to know the love and grace of Almighty God, my true Father. I have a loving and supportive wife, who truly believes in me. We are building a support network who have our best interest at heart.

    To my fellow scapegoats and survivors, stay strong. Invest in yourself. Love yourself through it.

  • Of Families and Scapegoats

    For many fortunate and blessed people, the word family can mean many wonderful things. Family can represent unconditional love, acceptance, security, and a place you can turn to when you’re in trouble. However, if you come from a narcissistic, dysfunctional, or toxic family, family represents abuse, harsh judgment, biting criticism, and emotional neglect. Unfortunately, my family of origin meets the latter definition of family.

    From an early age, I sensed that I was different from my family of origin. I did not think that I was superior to them, I was just different. My family is angry and emotionally explosive, whereas, I am more introverted and measured in my responses. My family liked being around other dysfunctional people, I preferred the company of books, dogs, and a select few people that I trust. I did not understand it then, but my individual identity was seen as a threat to the family status quo.

    In a narcissistic family, the children are seen as extensions of the narcissistic parents. In other words, I was supposed to be a miniature version of my parents. I was supposed to act and think like them, even as a small child. This was a more tortuous and hellish version of peer pressure.

    For the last year or so, my wife and I have done a lot of research into the topic of narcissism- books, YouTube videos, and I am also going to therapy. This is not easy to write and it was not easy to live out in my life. I believe that the only way I endured that life was truly by the grace of God.

    My role in my family of origin was that of the scapegoat. The concept of the scapegoat is found in the Bible, specifically in Leviticus 16. On the Day of Atonement, two goats were set aside. Lots were drawn to determine which goat would fulfill which role- one goat would be sacrificed for the sins of the Israelites, the other would be the scapegoat. The priest would pronounce the sins of the people onto the scapegoat and send the scapegoat off into the wilderness.

    I was the scapegoat in my family, my job was to absorb the family shame and dysfunction, because they would not deal with their own problems. I was the target of verbal and physical abuse from my parents. I was made to feel shame for the way that I was, as if my existence brought some sort of pain.

    I don’t know why the lot fell to me to be the family scapegoat, but that designation has caused me a lifetime of pain and hurt. If you’ve read this far, thank you. This is just an introductory glimpse into what I will be sharing on this blog.

    If my words have helped you in any way, I encourage you to seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional, a pastor, a friend you can trust, don’t be afraid to come out of the darkness.