“You’re a victim of trauma.”
When my therapist said those words to me, it felt like I experienced an epiphany, an awakening in my soul. I felt a sense of validation, as somebody got me, somebody was listening and taking me seriously. Yes, I was a victim of trauma, I am a victim of trauma.
The question becomes what do I do with this revelation?
I have spent over a year learning about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I am still trying to process my trauma, with the help of a therapist and very soon, meetings with a trauma specialist. This year long plus journey has lead me to reassess and reframe my entire life.
My dad is a tyrant, a malignant narcissist who borders on the sociopathic. My mom is a covert narcissist, as is my sister. However, no official medical diagnosis will ever be made because they’re all too proud to go to therapy. I am the one in therapy because I’ve had a lifetime of dealing with the steaming piles of crap they refuse to clean up.
As far back as I can remember, I was the emotional punching bag of the family. I was the unpaid couples therapist, having to settle the constant arguments of two adults. I was the unpaid childcare worker, the unpaid laborer, and the object of public scorn and ridicule when I made a mistake. I didn’t have a childhood, let alone a happy childhood.
I don’t speak of this from bitterness, I am just trying to make sense of what happened. I was the target of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse simply because I was there. I was put down so two emotionally immature people could transfer their shame unto me and in some twisted way feel better about themselves. I didn’t have parents, I lived with monsters. Sure, my parents will speak of the food, clothes, the roof over my head, and sending me to school. They did the legal bare minimum and they think they should be worshipped as gods. They did enough to stay out of jail and keep me out of the foster care system. I guess congratulations are in order!
I am optimistic that the days will get better from here. I already lived through hell. All is not hopeless in my life. I have come to know the love and grace of Almighty God, my true Father. I have a loving and supportive wife, who truly believes in me. We are building a support network who have our best interest at heart.
To my fellow scapegoats and survivors, stay strong. Invest in yourself. Love yourself through it.
Surviving Narcness 